come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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