I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
