Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
I take back everything I said about communal showers
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
lol hangovers are for mortals.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
