I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
i puked in the 2nd best shower and the couple fucking in the 1st didnt even pause so you might wanna hold off on that for a while
I threw up through my nose tonight. Happy cinco de mayo
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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