i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
