Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
