On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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