I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
