so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Randomize
