Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Randomize
