My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
