I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
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