JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
Randomize
