Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
