hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
