I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Randomize
