I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
stopped you just in time from sledding down the roof.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize
