What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I wanted to make fun of someone saying that to an untrained ear, skrillex is blah blah blah. But it was too soon after they said it. And now I can't find it. These are real problems.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
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