Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
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