So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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