Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
