If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Getting dressed and listening to the song Buffalo Bill danced to in Silence of the Lambs. I'm a perfect psych major.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
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