my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
