there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Does going to a local bar count as taking part in Small Business Saturday? Asking for a friend
Randomize
