I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
