they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Randomize
