where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
this beer tastes like vomit already
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
we had a "who's sex playlist is better?" fight.....
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
