i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
He finally left. I didn't introduce him to the roommate. The sex is bad. I don't want him to feel welcome
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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