you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I dressed up as a "typical white girl" which meant I wore my yoga pants and uggs all night. BEST. IDEA. EVER. Most comfy halloween everrrr.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
