Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Randomize
