"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
