They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
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