So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best
that's your solution for everything
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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