Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
God, I missed his penis.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
