Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
after the shots you kept on yelling "this is for the dreamers"
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I've been here for three hours and I am already feeling sorry for whatever offspring i will indefinitely produce in this place.
I pray for you bro.
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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