I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
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