Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
Randomize
