I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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