I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
