sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
