Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
Randomize
