dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Randomize
