We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
