We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
