From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
