I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
