Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
She needs sedatives and a leash
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
Randomize
