already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
