Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
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