I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
