the bus pole looks like a man who feels guiltyty about something
Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing
The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?
Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
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