Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
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